Wednesday, December 14, 2016


Nampaknya I'm back every once a year, macam ritual. As expected, this is like home to me. Ruang yang dah saksikan jatuh bangun seorang Shahila. Sungguh aku nak tulis semua, jadi blogger macam dulu. Albeit syok sendiri.

Nak tulis semua pedih,
Nak tulis semua cerita kita.
Tapi, it's too much to write.
Dunia tidak boleh tahu.

Nak cipta satu ruang baru.
Tapi jari terkedu.
Kerana, Dunia tidak boleh tahu.

Aku gerak seinci ke depan,
Aku gerak dua inci ke belakang.
Aku lari ke depan,
Aku kembali ke paling belakang.

Rebah penat.
Peluk tubuh.
Kau kuat Shahila.
Sikit lagi ya, aku pujuk diri aku, setiap hari, setiap kali.


Even when there is you, I am still missing you.
Sakit. Sakit. Perit. Pedih.

Semoga semua akan baik baik sahaja.
Pen has been lifted, ink has dried.

Untuk Shahila di masa hadapan.
(Mungkin Shahila 2017?)
Semoga awak akan jumpa cahaya dan bahagia.
Kalau awak masih sedih;
Awak kuat untuk lap air mata.
You will be fine, We will be fine, sayangshahila.
Just a little bit more. Kita yang 'sekarang' akan bertahan'.
Supaya di masa depan,
Shahila dan Shahila yang kuat akan berjumpa.
For now, I will persevere.
So you too, Shahila masa hadapan, berbahagialah.

Wednesday, June 24, 2015

2015: Revisit


I thought I would have left this place for good.
Revisiting for the sake of 're-collecting' - my own 'pieces'.

I re-read my old writings.
Boy, I was a ball of gloom back then.
Was that even me?
But I could relate to everything.
To my past self, I would say this one thing 
- 'Well done, you did a good job enduring'

I am, still crying yet I do stop after a while
I am, still struggling yet forward moving
I am, still weak yet stronger
For one thing that I know, 
I am a crybaby yet I dont do 'Stop'.
- So bad at giving up.

To my future self, if you ever come visiting - again
I am You, & You are me, myself.
It is okay, I will be strong now
So that you too, will be. 
Promise me, you too will continue to be.
Be stronger for Our future self.
Have faith that, someday, everything will be okay
- Everything.
We have Him, don't we?

Dah, lap air mata kemudian senyum.

Sunday, April 20, 2014


I'm home; tadaima.

Why am I here again, because in the end, this is the only place I can pour out whatever in heart, no matter what 'genre' the 'story' might be. Nowhere else is safe enough.

So, it has been almost 5 months into 2014.

A year that is.. *crumbling sound*.
I am not sure of myself but one thing that I know; I have hate for myself.

I know, this is so stupid. Why am I so dark and gloomy.
What went wrong. I'm not sure myself.

I found myself falling deep and deeper into an 'abyss'.
And because of that, I hate myself.

But, Alhamdulillah I am born a Muslim.
Without iman, I can't imagine whatever that could have happened to me.

I want somebody to listen. But nobody is listening.
Even if they listen, they are NOT 'listening'.

Well perhaps, its just me.
I am the one who is not listening.

I feel so stupid, I hate myself for being so and thinking so.


p/s: ofcourse no one is listening Shahila. the only one who'll listen to you not matter what no matter where no matter how is the One & Only - the Creator.

Sunday, November 24, 2013

2013: pillars.

There are two pillars;
I wish I can hold on to those two,
Equally at all time,
But always it ended up with failure.

Whenever I failed,
My bubble will be contaminated,
Thus, taking away my positive vibes.

This is exactly what I dread of.
At this time, I am so at lost,
What do I do?

Well, Allah knows better. I guess I will just put on my smiles, and continue my days.
Someday, perhaps the story will end.
I hope.

Saturday, November 16, 2013

You don't know the beat my heart skipped, when it is you infront of me.

How did it happened?
I have no idea.
Struggling to bury it deep;
- because it is impossible.
Hoping it is just temporary.
(But it is not going away..)

Sipping in through my 'bubble',
Breaking through my 'walls',
Peeking through my 'masks',
Hoping that I am not being too obvious; so I am running.
I hope I don't appear as if I am rejecting.
It is just a little 'running' away is what I am doing.

I do not want to be discovered.
Thus, I am hiding.

And so, feeling a bit lost.
Im going to take a breather,
and figure it all out.

"If you stare at it too closely, the answer never comes."
- the closer I am getting, the more I feel so away.


Should there be anyone reading this, I don't know how you will interpret this. But it might not be what you are thinking :p Just some nice lines crossing in mind, so i thought it'd be so wasteful to let it go just like that. Thus, I am writing it here.

But perhaps, crushed. HAHA. bye.

Monday, November 11, 2013

Oh the waitings.

I wish it is 14, instead of 15.
So today, I finally renewed my passport.
One hell of a looong wait. (6am - Lunch Hour)
After 3 failed attempts of going to the Immigration. *SIGH*
I looked for tickets on Air Asia.
Few days ago, it was only +- RM800 return.
Another wait.

It has been almost 11 years, all I want is to go to Japan.
I self-learnt the language. I read, I write, I watch, I listen - to Nihongo.
Even I dont know why but I have been in love with the language and culture for that long XD
However, it has always been impossible - no money no Japan. Tch.

And so, this year, almost all of my friends, close friends,
They finally went there.
Me? I got left behind of course. Meh. I is a sad layen. (; w ; )

And so I thought, I.WILL.GO.TO.JAPAN.2014.
Been selling old stuffs.
Making handmade toys.
Saving my pocket money.
It is HARD. Slowly but surely.
And then it hits me, WHOA. First time.
My first time trying so hard for something.
Like a miracle, I am holding myself from spending.
It sure hurts a lot whenever I want to buy something,
- like a chant it keeps repeating in me 'Buy or Japan?'. Tch. :p

Jadi, kalau sampai Jepun nanti, boleh sujud syukur. Balik dari Jepun boleh buat kenduri syukur. XDD

I wish Air Asia will quickly make another Japan Promo *prays hard*
I wish Air Asia can make promotion for students - poor student like me.
I wish Air Asia will quickly make another Japan Promo *prays hard*
I wish Air Asia can make promotion for students - poor student like me.
I wish Air Asia will quickly make another Japan Promo *prays hard*
I wish Air Asia can make promotion for students - poor student like me.


Motif dia, I want to go while I am studying. I've never been anywhere - travelling with a friend. So YOSH! もっと頑張らないと。日本に絶対にいく!(; w ; )9 *FIGHTO*

To whoever has been saying 'Tak habis habis cerita Jepun dia'. Save your energy. I dont care, I WANNA GO GO GO XD

p/s: seteghess. Biar la orang nak pegi Jepun pun. why do you have to care? =w=

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

where to

this little heart,
a weak heart,
soaked in sadness,
trembling in pain.

S.O.S signal that has never been heard,
i am a lost heart.

Truth to be told, this might be the very first time. Everything seems really dark, no way out, no way back. I am so tired, I am on the verge of shattering into tiny bits of grains.

I need a shoulder and an ear, that is unbiased and fair, that will try to understand my pain. But there's none. It was all in vain. Instead, the frustration added more pain.

Thinking back, thinking deep. Did I miss anything? Perhaps i missed something?
I am a lost heart. Where to then? I am too alone; its dark, its scary.

Thinking back, thinking deep. Maybe it is my heart, that is missing its Creator.
I have been straying a little too far. He is Always waiting, as He had promised.
But I was the wrong one. I turned right, I turned left.
It was wrong, to be hopeful on the creatures, something other than The Almight One.
Instead of right, instead of left, I should go straight; straight back to Him.
He will find the answers for me, wouldnt He?

Dear, Allah please help this heart of mine. Its too painful, its almost unbearable. I know this is nothing comparable to the Azab in Hell. But help me, don't cast me away. You are the pure love to the souls. I beg for your forgiveness, let me always always always be on your path, in happiness and sadness. As long as I have you, I shouldnt be scared of anything, I am sure.

Show me the way...

Mungkin Allah letak jauh semua makhluk sekeliling (keluarga, kawan, manusia seluruh alam), sebab nak bagi masa untuk betul-betul balik dan mengadu dekat Dia.

** I express myself better through my writings. It was never to gain people's questions or sympathy. I dont think there'll be that many people interested in reading, but just in case. I am sorry if I have been an utter annoyance these days with my terrrible mood swings. I am just a weak human needing a place to vent out my feelings, at times. Peace.